God can be aroused from eternal stupour
Only with this one simple statistic,
With its real growth, corrected for inflation,
And the acceleration of that growth,
And acceleration's acceleration
Unto the nth derivative of curve,
In asymptotic approach to pure zip.
For God, being somewhat abstract himself,
Loves abstraction: render Caesar coinage
But render God more numeric tender.
The more numismatically inclined,
When ruminating on remuneration
In their baffled and rudimentary way,
Can bite coins to test their alloyed worth,
But God, being old and wise and toothless,
Needs an even softer fodder to chew.
And what has this to do with me? I said.
Sublime sublimation puts me to sleep.
Assyria is losing its confidence,
And Godhead has chosen you to repair it.
For to God the GDP tastes flat.
The collective worth of all Assyria
As measured and expressed by GDP,
Believed a bellwether indicator
By all of Nineveh's wisest oracles
And every pundit currently in vogue,
Sits not quite right on his flaccid tongue.
Godhead has been distressed to note of late
A decline in the incline of the sum's growth.
This means a crisis, in Godhead's view,
A view that is almost certainly correct,
In consumer-producer confidence.
God fears despair and ruin will result
And has decided to take action against
The rising flood-tide of self-defeatism.
Why bother? I say let them all burn.
The stuckup swine need some despair
To counterbalance that excess pride,
And ruin, I dare say, might go far
In improving the unsightly skyline
With which Nineveh occludes dusk and dawn,
The pavements with which it suffocates soil,
And the furnaces with which it fouls the air.
It's an eyesore that's much better blotted.
Your opinion, he said, is irrelevant.
Why should I intervene in this matter?
Let their well-deserved fate overtake them,
Overthrow them and overtly stomp on them.
I will gladly stand aside and witness it.
What have the Assyrians ever done for me?
They've instituted throughout their empire
Jurisprudence and law enforcement
Envied everywhere for its swift arrest,
Swift arraignment, trial and execution
Of the least petty thief or jaywalker.
They subdued barbarians and butchered
The Babylonians, Chaldeans and Turks,
The Medes and Swedes and other savage beasts
That made the countryside unsafe for man.
They built aqueducts and paved highways,
Brought you literacy, cablevision,
Pocket romances, modern medicine,
Light beers, diet colas, pay toilets,
Electric power, generally accepted
Accounting principles, indexed pensions,
And an improved herbal essence shampoo.
They poisoned the weeds, they slew the mosquitoes,
Knocked down unsightly trees for firewood.
They have enriched you and increased you and did you
Many other favours besides, fella.
Liber Jonae Contents